Whom Do You Trust?
A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive. "Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"
Curing a Cough
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once." "Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times." The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done." So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
Apples for Sale
A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that's a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!" He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some." Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!" The farmer says, "Turn it around!"