A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?" The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, that's impossible, try another wish," the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman, "then I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on." The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says, "Show me that fucking map again."
Q: What kind of tea do football players drink?
It's Super Bowl Sunday and a man is heading home to watch the big game. As he passes under a bridge, a cop takes off after him and they both pull to the side of the road.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" "Gee, no, I thought I was doing the speed limit." "Well according to my radar gun, you were going 49 in a 45 zone."
Outraged by the fact that he just got pulled over for going 4 miles over the limit and the game was about to start, he begins to get visibly frustrated. "Oh come ON! You pulled me over for that? I have someplace I REALLY need to be."
The cop isn't impressed. "What, are you a doctor or something? Is someone dying?" "Funny you should mention that, because I am a doctor." "Really, now? What kind of doc are ya?" "Well, in simple terms, I'm an asshole stretcher." "Wait, what?" "Yeah, I stretch assholes."
"I'm sorry, but I don't see..." "Look, it's real simple. I take someone's asshole and stretch it little by little until it gets to about 6 feet wide." The cop, genuinely confused and shocked, asks: "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
"Well you give him a radar gun and stick him under a bridge."
Baby Bear's New Living
One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear. Baby bear started to cry. "Whats wrong?" the judge asked baby bear. "I don't want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!" said baby bear. "Then, you can live with papa bear" said the judge. Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, "What's wrong?" Baby bear replied, "I don't want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than mama bear does." "Then who do you want to live with?" asked the judge. Baby bear replied, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, because they don't beat anyone!"
Ghost Football -Riddles
Q: Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
A: He heard they needed a little team spirit.