- Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- So what's the speed of dark?
- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
High Tea with Dad
A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother turns to the father and says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" Sad and broken up she looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"
Found Her Hearing Aid
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"