My cat coughed up furballs this morning
Sounds normal, but Furballs was my hamster
Yo Mama - Locked In
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and wet her pants!
That Time Again
A highway patrolman wanted to set up a speed trap one day. He got up on a hill behind a big billboard and sat. He was there for about ten minutes with no radar action. Finally a car came by doing 85 M.P.H. He put on the blue light and pulled the car over. He said, "Sir, do realize you were doing 85 MPH?" The driver said "Yeah, but ya' see, it's that time of the month for the Mrs. and I gotta get her some tampons." The officer was sympathetic. He just said, "How about slowing it down." So the guy sped off. A few minutes later, another car came by running 85 MPH The officer gave him the blue light to. Again, the same scenario. The officer said "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85 MPH?" The guy had the same story. "Yes sir, but you see, it's that time of the month for the wife and I gotta get her some tampons." This pissed the officer off but he couldn't give this guy a ticket and not the last one. He said, "Just slow it down." No sooner than he got back up in his speed trap, here comes another guy doing 95 mph. The officer put the blue light on, pulled him over and walked up to the window. He looked at the guy and said, "Dammit, don't tell me it's that time of the month for your wife too!" The guy responded, "No sir, that's just barbecue sauce."
Curing a Cough
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once." "Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
Whom Do You Trust?
A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive. "Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"