A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Fifty Shades of Golf
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. She's been reading '50 Shades of Grey' and the room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want. So, here I am!"
Ebonics Second Language
A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment; all he had to do was put each of the following words into a sentence.
- Rectum: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.
- Hotel: I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody!
- Odyssey: I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe.
- Stain: My mother-in-law axed me if I was stain for dinner again.
- Seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game so I seldom.
- Penis: I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis!
- Catacomb: Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that catacomb.
- Forclose: If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.
- Undermind: There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment undermine.
- Tripoli: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no tripoli.
- Disappointment: My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
- Income: I just got in bed wit dee hoe then income my wife
- Honor: At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
- Fortify: I axed da hoe how much, and she says "Fortify".
- Israel: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said "man, that looks fake!" He said "No! Israel!"
Needless to say Leroy got an A.
One day, a blonde left work early to go home and surprise her husband with a big dinner. When she got home she saw her husband's car in the drive way and thought "Aw, shoot there goes my surprise." When she got inside, she heard something coming from her bedroom. She looked in and saw her husband humping her sister. She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream. Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said, "Honey, please don't do it!" The blonde screamed, "Shut up asshole, you're next!"
Q: Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?
A: He wanted to tie the score.