Fifty Shades of Golf
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. She's been reading '50 Shades of Grey' and the room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want. So, here I am!"
Ebonics Second Language
A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment; all he had to do was put each of the following words into a sentence.
- Rectum: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.
- Hotel: I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody!
- Odyssey: I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe.
- Stain: My mother-in-law axed me if I was stain for dinner again.
- Seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game so I seldom.
- Penis: I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis!
- Catacomb: Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that catacomb.
- Forclose: If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.
- Undermind: There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment undermine.
- Tripoli: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no tripoli.
- Disappointment: My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
- Income: I just got in bed wit dee hoe then income my wife
- Honor: At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
- Fortify: I axed da hoe how much, and she says "Fortify".
- Israel: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said "man, that looks fake!" He said "No! Israel!"
Needless to say Leroy got an A.
Even Steven
Q: Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?
A: He wanted to tie the score.
Cheating Wife
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Nightly Rental
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
Before he leaves the next morning, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done. Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) there was plenty of heat; and
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied. That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
