Ebonics Second Language
A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment; all he had to do was put each of the following words into a sentence.
- Rectum: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.
- Hotel: I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody!
- Odyssey: I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe.
- Stain: My mother-in-law axed me if I was stain for dinner again.
- Seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game so I seldom.
- Penis: I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis!
- Catacomb: Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that catacomb.
- Forclose: If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.
- Undermind: There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment undermine.
- Tripoli: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no tripoli.
- Disappointment: My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
- Income: I just got in bed wit dee hoe then income my wife
- Honor: At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
- Fortify: I axed da hoe how much, and she says "Fortify".
- Israel: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said "man, that looks fake!" He said "No! Israel!"
Needless to say Leroy got an A.
Even Steven
Q: Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?
A: He wanted to tie the score.
Nightly Rental
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
Before he leaves the next morning, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done. Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) there was plenty of heat; and
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied. That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Surprise
One day, a blonde left work early to go home and surprise her husband with a big dinner. When she got home she saw her husband's car in the drive way and thought "Aw, shoot there goes my surprise." When she got inside, she heard something coming from her bedroom. She looked in and saw her husband humping her sister. She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream. Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said, "Honey, please don't do it!" The blonde screamed, "Shut up asshole, you're next!"
DNR
A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.
