Mistaken Identity

I was once involved in a case of mistaken identity. It was a good thing, because if they hadn't got the wrong person, I'd be in prison right now.

Impressive Jobs

When I'm trying to impress a girl, I tell her I work in the oil business for one of the world's biggest companies.
Sounds better than "I make the fries at McDonalds"

RIP Mom

My girlfriend throws up whenever she thinks about her dead mother.
I reckon it's mourning sickness