People say my house is haunted, but I haven't seen a single ghost in the 900 years I've lived here.
One morning, a mama cow and her three baby cows were out grazing in the field. The first baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says, "Mama, why is my name Daisy?" And the mama cow said, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a daisy fell on your head." And the first baby cow trotted off, satisfied. The next day, they were all out in the field again. The second baby cow came up to the mama cow and said, "Mama, why is my name Tulip?" "Well, honey, when you were born a tulip fell on your head." And the baby cow was happy with that answer and continued grazing. The next day, they all went out into the field again to graze. The third baby cow came up to the mama cow and said, "GLUPHABABABLUGHARDTHYPOGHHH!!!"
And the mama cow said, "SHUT UP BRICK!!!"
Q: Will glass coffins be a success?
A: Remains to be seen.
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Fifty Shades of Golf
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. She's been reading '50 Shades of Grey' and the room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want. So, here I am!"