You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
• You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Changing Number Terms

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:
The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt!
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph. 

Park Registration Sheet Comments

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

• Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
• Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
• Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
• All the mile markers are missing this year.
• Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
• Trail needs to be reconstructed.
• Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
• Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs.Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
• Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
• Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
• The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
• A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.
• Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
• Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
• Need more signs to keep area pristine.
• A McDonalds would be nice at the trail head.
• The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
• I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
• Too many rocks in the mountains.