Technology Jokes

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it…

• Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
• Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
• Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
• Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
• Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
• Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
• Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
• Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
• Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
• Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
• Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
• Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
• Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
• Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
• Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
• Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
• Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
• Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
• Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
• Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
• Rom - Where the pope lives.
• Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
• Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
• Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
• Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None, burned out light bulbs have NO honor.  And a true Klingon Warrior is not afraid of the dark!

A man received text message from his neighbor:

"Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night when you aren't home. I'm confessing this to you because I feel very guilty. I hope you will accept my sincere apology".

The man was so angry he killed his wife.

A few minutes later he received another text message :

"Damn auto correct! Sorry sir, spelling mistake, wi fi - not wife".

Dear Ann,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?