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The best jokes and joke writers!

Finding a House

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live." She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: Your Passin It!"

Old Jobs

Someone asked a retiree, "Do you have a job?" He replied, "I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?" "Very simple," he said, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it."

New Glasses

Yesterday my daughter nagged me again about how I spend my time - she wants me to do something useful. “So, sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing?” I asked. My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was 'only thinking of me' and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I sent an email telling her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You're 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a _PROSTITUTE_ CLUB, NOT A PARACHUTE CLUB.” I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for FIVE JUMPS A WEEK!!” The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.

Senior Travel Plans

I've been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I've made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump there and I'm not into physical activity anymore.

I've also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable and I go there more often as I get older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

You Know You're Middle Aged If...

  • You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
  • The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
  • You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
  • You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
  • You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
  • You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
  • Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
  • You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
  • You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
  • You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator music.
  • As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
  • You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
  • You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
  • Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
  • The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
  • You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
  • You know what Earth Shoes are.
  • You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
  • Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
  • On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.