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The best jokes and joke writers!

Laptop Music

Q: What do you call a singing laptop?

A: A Dell

Puppies Don't Surf The Web

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

  • Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
  • Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
  • Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
  • Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
  • Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
  • Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
  • Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
  • Cause dogs aren't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
  • Barking in the next cubical keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
  • SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
  • SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
  • Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
  • Butt-sniffing is more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

Dear Ann Dilemma

Dear Ann,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Fixing Broken Computers

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Things You Don't Want Your System Admin To Say

  1. Uh-oh...
  2. Oh S***!
  3. What the heck?!?
  4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
  5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
  6. Wow!! Look at this...
  7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
  8. Terminated?!?
  9. What software license?!?
  10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
  11. Wow...that seemed fast...
  12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
  13. Management says...
  14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
  15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
  16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
  17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
  18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
  19. Where's the DIR command?
  20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
  21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
  22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
  23. Do you smell something?
  24. What's that grinding sound?
  25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
  26. I don't think it should be doing that...
  27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
  28. You might as well all go home early today...
  29. My leave starts tomorrow.
  30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
  31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
  32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
  33. Hmmm, curious...
  34. Well, MY files were backed up.
  35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
  36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
  37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
  38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
  39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
  40. We're standardizing on AIX.
  41. Wonder what THIS command does?
  42. What did you say your user name was?