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The best jokes and joke writers!

Code Word

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter,"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father. She returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter. He already wrote the letter by hand."

Home from the Air Force

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a good-looking woman who got this guy's full attention. After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this. Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. He continued, "Dick, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. "What in the world are you doing?" she asked. The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

The Talking Banana

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

Covid 19 Reduction

A middle manager has a zoom call with his boss Monday morning. He's told that the Covid 19 quarantine is hurting business and he has to furlough one of his employees. He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to let go. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing six feet apart having a discussion. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them." He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. Jill comes over to say goodbye. "Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good - do you have the virus?" He looks at her and says "No, but I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off." And she looks at him and says  "Well, I have to catch a bus, so I suggest you jack off."

The Vibrator

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the Mom. "Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"