Farmer Johnson

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife, "Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones." "Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies."But I want you to, Maude." "But why?" Maude asks."Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

Backup Needed

I'm not saying my girlfriend is promiscuous, but when she goes to the gynecologist, it's a two man job.

Half-Bird

Getting fed up of my girlfriend's speech impediment. She asked me to thaw the chicken that was in the freezer, then got pissed off when I cut it in half.