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The best jokes and joke writers!

Elevator Magic

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

Close Your Eyes

Q: Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex ?

A: Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

CIA Assassin Interview

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."  The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."  The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife!" The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."  Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

What's She Got...?

An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"