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The best jokes and joke writers!

Get Rich Quick

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose-plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand; the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

Equality

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $3.99 a minute.

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. 

You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. 

Coffee never runs out. 

No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 

When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

White men can take black coffee home to their parents. 

Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. 

You can always heat up coffee. 

Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. 

If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Backup Needed

I'm not saying my girlfriend is promiscuous, but when she goes to the gynecologist, it's a two man job.

CIA Assassin Interview

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."  The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."  The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife!" The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."  Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair!"