Making Love in the Dark
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."
CIA Assassin Interview
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife!" The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Wife vs Job
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.