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The best jokes and joke writers!

Black Eye

First man: How'd you get that black eye?

Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.

First man: She punched you?

Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

Bad Cook

Q: How do you know your wife is a bad cook?

A: She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

Finally Figured Out Women

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

I Hope Not

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was  "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not!  If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

Me Fix It?

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So, he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"