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The best jokes and joke writers!

Family Sex

TO MY DEAR WIFE, 

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean.

17 times it was too late.

49 times you were too tired.

20 times it was too hot.

15 times you pretended to be asleep.

22 times you had a headache.

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.

16 times you said you were too sore.

12 times it was the wrong time of the month.

19 times you had to get up early.

9 times you said weren't in the mood.

7 times you were sunburned.

6 times you were watching the late show.

5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do.

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.

9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just layed there.

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished.

and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat.

36 times you did not come home at all.

21 times you didn't cum.

33 times you came too soon.

19 times you went soft before you got in.

38 times you worked too late.

10 times you got cramps in your toes.

29 times you had to get up early to play golf.

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper.

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.

2 times you had a splinter in your finger.

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirtybook.

98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

What's She Got...?

An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

Winning

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He leaves the casino in a limo, calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas." His wife says, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Caribbean?" He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

Making Love in the Dark

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."

Elevator Magic

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"