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The best jokes and joke writers!

Always There

A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..." She squeezed his hands as he continued: "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply...." He continued: "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. You were there beside me. Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now...and you're still beside me..." Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You're a freaking jinx!"

Steven Wright 09

  • What's another word for Thesaurus?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
  • My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...
  • I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
  • I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
  • I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
  • I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
  • My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
  • My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Why Women Are Better Than Bikes

  1. Bicycles don't get pregnant.
  2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
  3. Bicycles don't have parents.
  4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
  6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
  7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
  8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
  9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
  10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
  11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you're going to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
  12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
  13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
  14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
  15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
  16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
  17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
  18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
  19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
  20. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
  21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
  22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
  23. Your bicycle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
  24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
  25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
  26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
  27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet it's mother.
  28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helmet.
  29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Jerks Get Attractive Wives

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ. "I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Falling Down The Stairs

A man tells his wife, "Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago." The wife yells at him, "Why are you just telling me now?" He said, "Because I couldn't stop laughing."