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The best jokes and joke writers!

Father's Professions

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher decided to get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living. The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy said: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic." Then another little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. The kid blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."

Lipstick problem!

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

Act Your Age

A 6'4'' ninth grader was acting up in class. His teacher looked at him and said, ''Act your age, not your shoe size.'' The boy looks down at his size 14 shoes, then says, ''But they're the same.''

Child Wisecracks

1. Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
Charlotte: Seven.
Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
Charlotte: Nine.
Teacher: That's impossible.
Charlotte: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.

2. Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

3. Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!

4. Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

5. Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

6. Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.

7. Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Sammy: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

8.Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.

9  Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". Ellen: I is...

Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

10. Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior: You said it was my lunch money.

11. Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!