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The best jokes and joke writers!

Like Father Like Son

A little boy is raiding the freezer for ice cream when his mother catches him. “Put that ice cream back,” she scolds. “Dinner is only an hour away.” “But I’m bored,” says the boy. “I’ve got no one to play with.” “All right,” says Mother. “I’ll play with you for a few minutes. What do you want to do?” “I want to play Mommies and Daddies,” says the boy. “But you have to sit in that chair and be mommy.” Mother does so and says, “So now what ? Are you going to be daddy?” “Yes,” says the boy. He takes a deep breath and shouts, “Now get off your fat ass, you lazy cow, and bring me some ice cream!”

One Wish

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

Dumb Jock

He's such a dumb jock, that when he was driving to the airport, he saw a sign that read, "Airport Left," and he turned around and went home.

West Virginia Romance

The West Virginian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

You Asked

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together. "Is this your first child?" says the older woman. "No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace."

"Oh, how nice." Said the young woman.

"After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best."

"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.

"And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it."

"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.

"So, what has your husband gotten you?"

"Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."