Girls Night Out
Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties." The other husband said, "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Woman: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?" The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"
A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me". So the white guy says"I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough." The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's not creative", and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."
Pick Up and Put Down!
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!" The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"