Drunk Buddies

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them throws up all over himself. "Christ!" he says, "My wife ish going to kill me."
His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your besht friend - give her thish and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you thish money to get it cleaned."
"Fantashtic," says the first guy. "You're amashing, really the besht." Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off. Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..." "But there are 40 dollars here," she replies. "Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."

John McCain's Favorite Band

Q: What is John McCain's favorite band?
A: Limp Bizkit.

Fisherman's Sons

A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away. Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade. A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone. "Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. "We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish." "Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."