Parrot in the Club
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out. One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir section with her, and when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, ''The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!''
She was horrified and corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!" The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!"
Parrot Manner Lessons
A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot. One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.'' The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world.", says Johnny. The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny and says, "Now you know that's not true son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true. But one drop of this on a cats ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the White House. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Barrack Obama. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Barrack , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye,' tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"