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The best jokes and joke writers!

Love Dress

My mother-in-law stopped by today.  She knocked on the door but before I could get up she walked in. She was shocked to see me laying on the couch totally naked. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Dave to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.  "Dave loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Tough Guy Eh?

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happened. "As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!" The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket. "He also said he wants to screw me all night long" By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table. "He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night" The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer. His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table. The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer."

Diet Plan

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight. Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.' The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.' ''Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me, you can have me'. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! 'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?' the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.' The man replied, 'Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!', and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you, I'm going to screw you.'

Ole & Lena

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?" "Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?" "Well, er, yes --- but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed. "Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?" "Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time." "And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time." "OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole? "The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"

What's for Dinner?

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched provocatively on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I have planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."