Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.

Misunderstood

My coworker was eating an ice cream cone on her lunch break when she caught me staring at her. "Hey what's up?" she said. "Oh nothing, it's just that I want to ask for something but I'm afraid you'll misunderstand me," I replied. "Haha don't worry, I won't," she said reassuringly.
"I wanna lick it," I said. She quickly extends the ice cream cone to me, to which I said, "I knew you'd misunderstand."

Playboy's New Magazine

After Hugh Hefner passed, Playboy management decided to introduce a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.