Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Drive with Grandpa

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?  Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.   Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.  "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.   "Oh, yes, PapPap, it was really wonderful.   We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning... 
'Windows frozen; won't open'
Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer'
Five minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'