Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.

Playboy's New Magazine

After Hugh Hefner passed, Playboy management decided to introduce a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

Marriage Counselor

Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"
Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."