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The best jokes and joke writers!

DNR

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

Four Feet

A business woman comes home late one night and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four feet instead of two. She can't believe her husband would cheat on her. In a rage, she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. She begins crying and goes to the kitchen to have a stiff drink. 

As she enters, she's startled to see her husband sitting at the table reading a magazine. “Hi Darling,” he said, “Your parents were driving to Florida and surprised us with a visit."  They're only staying for the night so I gave them our bedroom.

A Farmer and His Wife

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night. The farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.." The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?" The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different!  It's a hermaphrodite." The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?" The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female." The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

What Girls Really Mean

Can't we just be friends? (There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.)

I just need some space. (... without you in it.)

Do I look fat in this dress? (We haven't had a fight in a while.)

I don't know, what do you want to do? (I can't believe you have nothing planned.)

I like you, but... (I don't like you.)

Of course I love you. (... just not in that way.)

You never listen. (You never listen.)

We're moving too quickly. (I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.)

Oh, no, I'll pay for myself. (There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.)

Oh yes! Right there! (Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.)

I'm just going out with the girls. (We're gonna get drunk and make fun of you and your friends.)