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The best jokes and joke writers!

Family Sex

TO MY DEAR WIFE, 

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean.

17 times it was too late.

49 times you were too tired.

20 times it was too hot.

15 times you pretended to be asleep.

22 times you had a headache.

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.

16 times you said you were too sore.

12 times it was the wrong time of the month.

19 times you had to get up early.

9 times you said weren't in the mood.

7 times you were sunburned.

6 times you were watching the late show.

5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do.

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.

9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just layed there.

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished.

and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat.

36 times you did not come home at all.

21 times you didn't cum.

33 times you came too soon.

19 times you went soft before you got in.

38 times you worked too late.

10 times you got cramps in your toes.

29 times you had to get up early to play golf.

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper.

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.

2 times you had a splinter in your finger.

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirtybook.

98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Morning Gas

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

DNR

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

Saving Up

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face. "What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk. "Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

Magician's Secret

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?" "I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my husband!"