Paradox of Woman
- If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
- If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
- If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
- If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
- If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
- If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
- If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
- If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
- If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
- If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
- If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
- If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
- If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
- If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.
Men And Cats
Q: How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
A: They both hide when they see the vacuum cleaner.
Sleeping in Church
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep. The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!! Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.