Watering the Camel
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water. "That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks." As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water. "Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist. "Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We're currently flying at an altitude of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port engines have fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and our flight attendant. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
New Slogans For Value Jet
- When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
- We're Amtrak with wings.
- Join our frequent near-miss program.
- On flights, every section is a smoking section.
- Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
- Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
- Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
- Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
- Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
- The kids will love our inflatable slides.
- You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
- Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
- Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
- We may be landing on your street.
- Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
- Bring a bathing suit.
- Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
- That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
- Find out there really is a God.
- A real man lands where he wants to.
Boy & Grandpa
A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"
The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."