After I Die
A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
Q: Why do black people hate country music?
A: Because when they hear the word 'hoedown' they think their sister got shot!
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex". That's when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the act you whisper in her ear, "Your sister has a tighter pussy than you", then try to hold on for 8 seconds!
From Matt Groening's Big Book Of Hell, here are "Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me."
The Sleeping Alligator Story
Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.
Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?
The Boy-Trap Warning
Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.
Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.
The Alphabet Trick
Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.
Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.
The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler
Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?
You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!
The Lure Of New Toys
Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.
You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.
Bro/Sis: This time we won't.
The Snowflake Story
Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!
You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!
Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.
The Movie Switcheroo
You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!
Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.
Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet
Tom. You: I don't see anybody.
Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.
You: Oh sure.
Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.
You: Hi, Tom.
The family reunion, twenty years later...
Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.
Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.