Boy & Grandpa
A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"
The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
Shopping in Texas
My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it…
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!" Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium... Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask." "Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
Lost Far From Home
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park... and couldn't find his way home. "Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."