Yo Mama - Shaving
Yo mama so hairy, she shaves with a weed-whacker.
You might be a redneck if...
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
Curing a Cough
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once." "Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson: "All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!" All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up. "Miss! Miss!" called Johnny. "Write it down, Johnny!" said the teacher. "... But Miss! Miss! Miss!" Johnny intoned. "I said write it down!" exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved. "Miss! Miss!" called Johnny once more. "Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?" "Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?" "No!" said the startled teacher. "Then I have definitely shit myself!"
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" Sad and broken up she looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"