On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher decided to get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living. The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy said: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic." Then another little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. The kid blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
Finding the Perfect Wife
A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like!"
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and.. and... and you know, he's a married man!"
A man is driving his five-year-old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douche bag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your daddy just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douche bag.”
Your Mom is the Best in Town
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"