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The best jokes and joke writers!

Irish Tradition

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

Daddy Going to War

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy." 

Get out of Bed

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school. She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast. "No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!" "You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds. "No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky." "You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns. "Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks. The mother is about to lose her patience. "Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"

Kentucky Kid

A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad.

"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you reckon so?" he asked.

"Why, that's because your from Kentucky son." The dad responsed.

The next day the kid gets home from school.

"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you reckon so?"

"That's because you're from Kentucky son." The dad tells him again.

The next day the kid busts through the door.

"Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because I'm from Kentucky?"

The dad looks at him and says, "No that's because you're 22."

All Aboard

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"