I was in the supermarket earlier when I saw a kid having a tantrum, laying on the floor kicking and screaming. I asked his mother "Have you slapped him?" She looked insulted and snapped "No I haven't!" "Well why the hell not?" I asked
A boy from France comes to America, he wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learns "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I learned new words today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, ''Takeoffzebrababy!''
Like Father Like Son
A little boy is raiding the freezer for ice cream when his mother catches him. “Put that ice cream back,” she scolds. “Dinner is only an hour away.” “But I’m bored,” says the boy. “I’ve got no one to play with.” “All right,” says Mother. “I’ll play with you for a few minutes. What do you want to do?” “I want to play Mommies and Daddies,” says the boy. “But you have to sit in that chair and be mommy.” Mother does so and says, “So now what ? Are you going to be daddy?” “Yes,” says the boy. He takes a deep breath and shouts, “Now get off your fat ass, you lazy cow, and bring me some ice cream!”
A Fortunate Coincidence
John: "I'm glad you named me John."
John: "Because that's what all the kids at school call me."
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates." A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John. John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son." Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."