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The best jokes and joke writers!

Three Paratroopers Experiences

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand grenade from the plane, then jump. The Jew goes first - "This is for my country" and he throws the grenade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks "what's the matter"? The boys says "my dog just blew up!" The American tosses the grenade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, "my cat just blew up!" The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. "What so funny?" asks the Pollock. The Redneck replies, "I just farted and my house blew up!"

How to Speak Southern

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

  • Aig - What a hen lays
  • Aints - He's got aints in his paints
  • Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
  • Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
  • Bag - He bagged her to marry him
  • Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
  • Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
  • Bub - the light bub burned out
  • Cheer - What you set in
  • Crick - A small stream
  • Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
  • Chiny - country over in Asia
  • Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
  • Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
  • Cyow - Animal on Farm
  • Deppity - He helps out the shurf
  • Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
  • Dainz - Satidy night social
  • Ellum - A graceful tree
  • Fanger - What you put your rang on
  • Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
  • Far - What get the brandin arn hot
  • Furred - He got furred from his job
  • Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
  • Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
  • Furiners - All non-'bamans
  • Further - Hits ten miles further to town
  • Grain - She was grain with envy
  • Hail - Where bad folks go
  • Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
  • Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
  • Hilbilly - People in the next county
  • Hollar - Whats between the hills
  • Hardhand - Got a brend new hardhand
  • Tar - His core blew a tar
  • Laymun - A sour fruit
  • Laig - Most folks have two of them
  • Lather - What you climb up
  • Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
  • Mailk - what you get from cyows
  • Mere - What you see your self in
  • Minners - Live bait
  • Misrus - Married Woman
  • Nar - Opposite of wide
  • Nayk - Your head sets on it
  • Nup - No
  • Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
  • Ormy - What the sojers go in
  • Pank - A light red color
  • Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
  • Petition - What separate the rooms
  • Poke - A paper bag or sack
  • Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
  • Salit - A green vegetable
  • Puppet - What the preacher is in
  • Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
  • Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
  • Rang - You wear it on your fanger
  • Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
  • Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
  • Rainch - A big cow farm
  • Rat - Do it rat now!
  • Rench - Rench the soap yourself
  • Roont - She plum roont her shoes
  • Salary - A stringy vegetable
  • Soardeens - Small canned fish
  • Shar - A light rain
  • Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
  • Toad strangler - A heavy rain
  • Sody Pop - A soft drink
  • Sprang - Water out'n the ground
  • Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
  • Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
  • Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
  • Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
  • Tho - Tho me the ball
  • Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
  • War - A bobbed war fance
  • Worsh - Go worsh your face
  • Warter - What you worsh your face in
  • Yurp - A continent overseas

You're in New York City

You Know You're in New York City When:

  1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
  2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
  3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
  4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
  5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
  6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
  7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
  8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
  9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
  10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

Holland Visitor

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Made in Canada

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton. "No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. "I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."" Easily done. Anything else?" "Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."