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The best jokes and joke writers!

Ponderings Collection 34

  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?

When God Created Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!"

African Roulette

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

Three Paratroopers Experiences

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand grenade from the plane, then jump. The Jew goes first - "This is for my country" and he throws the grenade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks "what's the matter"? The boys says "my dog just blew up!" The American tosses the grenade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, "my cat just blew up!" The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. "What so funny?" asks the Pollock. The Redneck replies, "I just farted and my house blew up!"

How to Speak Southern

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

  • Aig - What a hen lays
  • Aints - He's got aints in his paints
  • Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
  • Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
  • Bag - He bagged her to marry him
  • Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
  • Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
  • Bub - the light bub burned out
  • Cheer - What you set in
  • Crick - A small stream
  • Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
  • Chiny - country over in Asia
  • Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
  • Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
  • Cyow - Animal on Farm
  • Deppity - He helps out the shurf
  • Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
  • Dainz - Satidy night social
  • Ellum - A graceful tree
  • Fanger - What you put your rang on
  • Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
  • Far - What get the brandin arn hot
  • Furred - He got furred from his job
  • Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
  • Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
  • Furiners - All non-'bamans
  • Further - Hits ten miles further to town
  • Grain - She was grain with envy
  • Hail - Where bad folks go
  • Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
  • Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
  • Hilbilly - People in the next county
  • Hollar - Whats between the hills
  • Hardhand - Got a brend new hardhand
  • Tar - His core blew a tar
  • Laymun - A sour fruit
  • Laig - Most folks have two of them
  • Lather - What you climb up
  • Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
  • Mailk - what you get from cyows
  • Mere - What you see your self in
  • Minners - Live bait
  • Misrus - Married Woman
  • Nar - Opposite of wide
  • Nayk - Your head sets on it
  • Nup - No
  • Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
  • Ormy - What the sojers go in
  • Pank - A light red color
  • Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
  • Petition - What separate the rooms
  • Poke - A paper bag or sack
  • Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
  • Salit - A green vegetable
  • Puppet - What the preacher is in
  • Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
  • Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
  • Rang - You wear it on your fanger
  • Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
  • Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
  • Rainch - A big cow farm
  • Rat - Do it rat now!
  • Rench - Rench the soap yourself
  • Roont - She plum roont her shoes
  • Salary - A stringy vegetable
  • Soardeens - Small canned fish
  • Shar - A light rain
  • Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
  • Toad strangler - A heavy rain
  • Sody Pop - A soft drink
  • Sprang - Water out'n the ground
  • Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
  • Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
  • Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
  • Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
  • Tho - Tho me the ball
  • Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
  • War - A bobbed war fance
  • Worsh - Go worsh your face
  • Warter - What you worsh your face in
  • Yurp - A continent overseas