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The best jokes and joke writers!

Jump Off Genie

A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!" "So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!" "So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"

Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too." Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

A Cultural Comparison

  • Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
  • Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
  • Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
  • Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
  • Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
  • Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
  • Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
  • Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
  • Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer
  • Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness
  • Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
  • Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
  • Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
  • Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
  • Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
  • Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
  • Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
  • Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
  • Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball
  • Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
  • Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
  • Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
  • Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
  • Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
  • Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
  • Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
  • Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
  • Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
  • Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
  • Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Help from Canada

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington. Statement by the Press Secretary. President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: 2 BATTLE SHIPS, 600 GROUND TROOPS, 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: 2 CANOES, 6 MOUNTIES, AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

Facts About Americans

Facts about Americans. Did you know that

  • Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
  • 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
  • Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
  • 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
  • 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
  • 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
  • 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
  • 91% of us lie regularly.
  • 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
  • 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
  • 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
  • 90% believe in divine retribution.
  • 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
  • 82% believe in an afterlife.
  • 45% believe in ghosts.
  • 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
  • 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
  • 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
  • Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
  • 35% give to charity at least once a month.
  • How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
  • 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
  • When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
  • 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
  • 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
  • Snickers is the most popular candy.
  • 22% of us skip lunch daily.
  • 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
  • 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
  • 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
  • 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
  • Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
  • 45% use mouthwash every day.
  • 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
  • The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
  • Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
  • 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
  • 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
  • 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
  • 33% of women lie about their weight.
  • 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
  • 57% have had deja vu.
  • 49% believe in ESP.
  • 44% have broken a bone.
  • Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
  • 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink.
  • 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
  • 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
  • 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
  • 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
  • 29% of us ignore RSVP.
  • 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
  • 22% are functionally illiterate.
  • Less than 10% are trilingual. 
  • 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
  • 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
  • 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
  • 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
  • 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
  • 40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.
  • 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
  • 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
  • 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
  • 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
  • 59% of us say we're average-looking.
  • Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
  • 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
  • 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
  • 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
  • On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
  • 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
  • 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
  • The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
  • Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
  • 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
  • 6% propose over the phone.
  • 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
  • 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
  • 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
  • 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
  • 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
  • 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
  • 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
  • 4 out of 5 sing in the car.