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The best jokes and joke writers!

Made in Canada

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton. "No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. "I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."" Easily done. Anything else?" "Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Three Paratroopers Experiences

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand grenade from the plane, then jump. The Jew goes first - "This is for my country" and he throws the grenade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks "what's the matter"? The boys says "my dog just blew up!" The American tosses the grenade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, "my cat just blew up!" The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. "What so funny?" asks the Pollock. The Redneck replies, "I just farted and my house blew up!"

A Cultural Comparison

  • Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
  • Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
  • Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
  • Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
  • Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
  • Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
  • Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
  • Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
  • Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer
  • Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness
  • Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
  • Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
  • Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
  • Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
  • Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
  • Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
  • Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
  • Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
  • Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball
  • Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
  • Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
  • Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
  • Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
  • Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
  • Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
  • Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
  • Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
  • Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
  • Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
  • Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Facts About Americans

Facts about Americans. Did you know that

  • Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
  • 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
  • Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
  • 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
  • 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
  • 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
  • 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
  • 91% of us lie regularly.
  • 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
  • 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
  • 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
  • 90% believe in divine retribution.
  • 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
  • 82% believe in an afterlife.
  • 45% believe in ghosts.
  • 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
  • 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
  • 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
  • Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
  • 35% give to charity at least once a month.
  • How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
  • 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
  • When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
  • 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
  • 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
  • Snickers is the most popular candy.
  • 22% of us skip lunch daily.
  • 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
  • 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
  • 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
  • 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
  • Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
  • 45% use mouthwash every day.
  • 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
  • The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
  • Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
  • 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
  • 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
  • 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
  • 33% of women lie about their weight.
  • 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
  • 57% have had deja vu.
  • 49% believe in ESP.
  • 44% have broken a bone.
  • Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
  • 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink.
  • 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
  • 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
  • 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
  • 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
  • 29% of us ignore RSVP.
  • 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
  • 22% are functionally illiterate.
  • Less than 10% are trilingual. 
  • 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
  • 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
  • 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
  • 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
  • 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
  • 40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.
  • 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
  • 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
  • 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
  • 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
  • 59% of us say we're average-looking.
  • Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
  • 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
  • 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
  • 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
  • On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
  • 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
  • 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
  • The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
  • Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
  • 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
  • 6% propose over the phone.
  • 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
  • 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
  • 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
  • 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
  • 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
  • 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
  • 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
  • 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

How to Speak Southern

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

  • Aig - What a hen lays
  • Aints - He's got aints in his paints
  • Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
  • Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
  • Bag - He bagged her to marry him
  • Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
  • Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
  • Bub - the light bub burned out
  • Cheer - What you set in
  • Crick - A small stream
  • Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
  • Chiny - country over in Asia
  • Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
  • Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
  • Cyow - Animal on Farm
  • Deppity - He helps out the shurf
  • Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
  • Dainz - Satidy night social
  • Ellum - A graceful tree
  • Fanger - What you put your rang on
  • Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
  • Far - What get the brandin arn hot
  • Furred - He got furred from his job
  • Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
  • Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
  • Furiners - All non-'bamans
  • Further - Hits ten miles further to town
  • Grain - She was grain with envy
  • Hail - Where bad folks go
  • Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
  • Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
  • Hilbilly - People in the next county
  • Hollar - Whats between the hills
  • Hardhand - Got a brend new hardhand
  • Tar - His core blew a tar
  • Laymun - A sour fruit
  • Laig - Most folks have two of them
  • Lather - What you climb up
  • Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
  • Mailk - what you get from cyows
  • Mere - What you see your self in
  • Minners - Live bait
  • Misrus - Married Woman
  • Nar - Opposite of wide
  • Nayk - Your head sets on it
  • Nup - No
  • Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
  • Ormy - What the sojers go in
  • Pank - A light red color
  • Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
  • Petition - What separate the rooms
  • Poke - A paper bag or sack
  • Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
  • Salit - A green vegetable
  • Puppet - What the preacher is in
  • Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
  • Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
  • Rang - You wear it on your fanger
  • Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
  • Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
  • Rainch - A big cow farm
  • Rat - Do it rat now!
  • Rench - Rench the soap yourself
  • Roont - She plum roont her shoes
  • Salary - A stringy vegetable
  • Soardeens - Small canned fish
  • Shar - A light rain
  • Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
  • Toad strangler - A heavy rain
  • Sody Pop - A soft drink
  • Sprang - Water out'n the ground
  • Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
  • Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
  • Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
  • Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
  • Tho - Tho me the ball
  • Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
  • War - A bobbed war fance
  • Worsh - Go worsh your face
  • Warter - What you worsh your face in
  • Yurp - A continent overseas