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The best jokes and joke writers!

Throwing Away Garbage

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there. Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?" "I have to throw this away," replied the tourist. "You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered. The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want." The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers." Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist. "No. This is the American Embassy."

Holland Visitor

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Ball Point Pen

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil.

I Love You in 9 Languages

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English - I Love you

Spanish - Te Amo

French - Je T'aime

German - Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Ni

Swedish - Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky - Nice Tits

Ponderings Collection 34

  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?