Alcohol Jokes

I think the reason I'm single is because of my alcohol problem. Women can't get enough of it to find me attractive.

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. "I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." "Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

"Did ya hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

• A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
• A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
• Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married.
• Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
• If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
• 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
• Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
• If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
• If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead.
• 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
• Too much beer and you get fat. Too much pussy and it makes you poor.
• It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
• If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five!
• With beer, bigger is better.
• If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
• Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
• If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
• If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
• The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
• The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
• Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
• Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
• The government taxes beer.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.