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The best jokes and joke writers!

Redneck Check Up

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. "I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." "Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

Did You Hear The News

"Did ya hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

Irish Assault and Battery

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. "Four glasses of ale," was the reply. "Next?" "Two glasses of whiskey." "Next?" "One glass of brandy." "Next?" "A fight."

The Contest! (Very Long, Very Adult)

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

  • A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
  • A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
  • Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married.
  • Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
  • If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
  • 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
  • Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
  • If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
  • If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead.
  • 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
  • Too much beer and you get fat. Too much pussy and it makes you poor.
  • It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
  • If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five!
  • With beer, bigger is better.
  • If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
  • Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
  • If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
  • If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
  • The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
  • The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
  • Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
  • Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
  • The government taxes beer.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

Bar Translations

  1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
  2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
  3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
  4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
  5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
  6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
  7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
  8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
  9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
  10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.