An Unfortunate Situation
A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's it going to be?" The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his midthirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"
A black woman went down to the welfare office to receive financial aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" She told him ten."What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Four men are out golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully, "My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house." The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car." The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a vacation home in Miami. "Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami!"
Make a Donation
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" He calls up the lawyer. "Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?" The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?" The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..." "Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!" The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..." "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?" The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..." "The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
Wealthy Man Wife-Hunting
An enormously wealthy 65 year old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."