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The best jokes and joke writers!

Floating Television

Q: What do you say when you see your television floating at night?

A: "Drop it nigga."

Free Drink Price

Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we wont have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

Getting Money's Worth

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse and says, "What can I get for five bucks?" The madam says, "Second door on the right and fuck whatever is there." He goes, sees a pig, figured "Whaddya want for five bucks?" and fucks it.
The next week he comes back and asks what he can get for $20. The madam says, "Second floor, second door on the right, watch what happens." He goes in, sits down and looks down, he sees a glass floor with a view of a guy fucking a chicken on the first floor. He says to the man next to him, "Look at him with the chicken. That's crazy." The guy responds, "You shoulda been here last week -- some guy was fucking a pig!"

Tax Karma

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years. A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

Show Me The Money!

  1. A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
  2. A fool and his money are soon elected.
  3. A fool and his money are soon popular.
  4. A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
  5. If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
  6. All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
  7. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
  8. Even the blind can see money.
  9. Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
  10. It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
  11. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
  12. Money burns a hole in my pocket... how about yours?
  13. Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
  14. Money is the root of all bills.
  15. Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love.
  16. Money Talks - and it usually says NO!!
  17. Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
  18. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
  19. This country has the best politicians money can buy.
  20. Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of....
  21. Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
  22. Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington D.C.
  23. When money talks, it usually says "Bend over."
  24. You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
  25. Alimony? ... sounds kind like all your money
  26. No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money.
  27. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.