The Hypnotic Sermon!
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate. "So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.
Johnny and the Neighborhood Boys
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Zen Buddhist Buys a Hotdog
This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vender, "Give me one with everything". So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, and hands it to the Buddhist Monk. The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door. The Buddhist says, "Wait, where's my change?" The vender replies, "Change must come from within".
Q: Where do frogs keep their money?
A: In a river bank!
Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job. One day, a woman comes to the stand, "Hey, sonny, how much do those cigarettes cost?" "I don't know", replies the stupid cashier. The woman leaves unsatisfied. The boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!" "10 cents? I will have to remember that" said the cashier. The next day, another woman comes "hey sonny, how much do those cigarettes cost?" "10 cents ma'am" "Really? Are they fresh?" "I don't know...?" So the woman leaves. The boss, having spied this, screams "WELL OF COURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?" So the cashier memorizes "Yes, very fresh" The next day, another woman comes and says "Hello dear, now much do those cigarettes cost?" "10 cents" He replies. "Are they fresh?" "Very fresh" "Should I buy them?" "I don't know" So the woman leaves. The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again "YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you don't, somebody else will' OK?" "Okay, gotcha boss" So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun. He goes up to the cash register and screams "HEY, how much money is in that cash register?" "10 cents sir" "WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?" "Yes, very fresh sir" "SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?" "If you don't, somebody else will."