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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Drunk Ordering a Beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Signs And Notices 15

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
  • Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
  • Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
  • Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
  • Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
  • Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."
  • Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
  • Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Brown Ring

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his penis. Immediately, he went to the doctor. "I have some good news and some bad news," said the doctor. "The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

Love Potient

I think the reason I'm single is because of my alcohol problem. Women can't get enough of it to find me attractive.

Trying To Help

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"