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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bar Translations

  1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
  2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
  3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
  4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
  5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
  6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
  7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
  8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
  9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
  10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Whiskey Diet

Q: Did you hear about the new whiskey diet?

A: I've lost three days already.

Moonshine

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again," The wife told her husband.

"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

Survey Says

The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

New Alcohol Labeling Laws

Alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked..

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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

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