The Contest! (Very Long, Very Adult)
Contest: Beer vs. Pussy
- A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
- A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
- Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married.
- Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
- If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
- 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
- Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
- If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
- If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead.
- 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
- Too much beer and you get fat. Too much pussy and it makes you poor.
- It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
- If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five!
- With beer, bigger is better.
- If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
- Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
- If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
- If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
- The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
- The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
- Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
- Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
- The government taxes beer.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.
Bar Translations
- "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
- "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
- "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
- "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
- "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
- "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
- "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
- "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
- I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
- "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
Whiskey Diet
Q: Did you hear about the new whiskey diet?
A: I've lost three days already.
Moonshine
"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again," The wife told her husband.
"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."
Survey Says
The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''