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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Contest! (Very Long, Very Adult)

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

  • A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
  • A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
  • Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married.
  • Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
  • If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
  • 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
  • Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
  • If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
  • If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead.
  • 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
  • Too much beer and you get fat. Too much pussy and it makes you poor.
  • It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
  • If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five!
  • With beer, bigger is better.
  • If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
  • Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
  • If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
  • If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
  • The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
  • The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
  • Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
  • Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
  • The government taxes beer.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

Bar Translations

  1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
  2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
  3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
  4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
  5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
  6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
  7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
  8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
  9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
  10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Whiskey Diet

Q: Did you hear about the new whiskey diet?

A: I've lost three days already.

Moonshine

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again," The wife told her husband.

"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

Survey Says

The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''