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The best jokes and joke writers!

Gynecologist and Genealogist

Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?

A: A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Breast or Bottle

A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

  • "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
  • Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
  • Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
  • Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
  • Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  • Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
  • Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
  • Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
  • Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

Precision Tune-Up

So there's this very successful doctor who, after decades of work in the local hospital as chair of the OB/GYN department, decides that malpractice insurance is too high, and managed care payments are too low, so he retires. After three days of hanging around the house, the wife tells him to do something with his life, so he goes to the local trade school because he always wanted to work on sports car engines. He progresses quickly through the course and a month later he's elated when takes the final exam (which is to tear down and rebuild a Corvette engine), and he's given a 150 point score.

Puzzled, he asks the instructor for an explanation.

"Well," says the instructor, "you completely disassembled the old engine without losing or breaking any parts, so that earned you a '50' point score. Then you cleaned and reassembled everything correctly, so that's worth another '50' points."

So the doctor asks, "And what about the additional '50' points?"

The instructor said, "Well, I thought you deserved extra credit, because I've never seen anyone do it all through the exhaust pipe before."

The Painter's Eyesight

A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career. After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office. When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?" "Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."