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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Second Coming

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "OK, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she's sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about four months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?!? She can't be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

The Painter's Eyesight

A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career. After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office. When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?" "Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."

Gynecologist and Delivery

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

A: They can smell it but they can't eat it!

Breast or Bottle

A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

  • "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
  • Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
  • Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
  • Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
  • Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  • Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
  • Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
  • Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
  • Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"