Looking For A Little?
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?" She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "This car only has one airbag."
The Virgin of Ten Marriages
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
- "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
- Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
- Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
- Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
- Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
- Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
- Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
- Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
- Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
JJ is Married
JJ finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
JJ got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
JJ replied, “I wasn't."
Light Bulb - Divorced
Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows, they never get to keep the house.