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The best jokes and joke writers!

Marriage Quotes

  • In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
  • Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
  • No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
  • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
  • Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
  • I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
  • Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
  • The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
  • Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
  • In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
  • A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
  • For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
  • My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
  • Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
  • Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
  • Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
  • Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
  • I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
  • I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
  • The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
  • In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
  • If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
  • Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
  • The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Redneck Tornado

Q: What do tornados and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

The Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house."   Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."  The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "This car only has one airbag."

The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

  • "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
  • Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
  • Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
  • Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
  • Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  • Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
  • Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
  • Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
  • Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"