Q: What do tornados and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "This car only has one airbag."
JJ is Married
JJ finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
JJ got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
JJ replied, “I wasn't."
The Hunters and the X-Wife
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. The hunter slyly replied, "My ex-wife!"