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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bad News V Good News

Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?

Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.

Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?

Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

On Divorce

  • Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached. 
  • Tis better to have loved and lost, than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
  • What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
  • My ex-wife is like a good laxative.  She irritates the shit out of you.
  • Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
  • Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
  • Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
  • When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
  • Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days?
  • Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
  • When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
  • Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled, "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits... I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
  • Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house...."
  • What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
  • I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
  • How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
  • What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
  • There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Redneck Tornado

Q: What do tornados and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

The Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house."   Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."  The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "This car only has one airbag."