Profession Jokes - Psychiatrist Jokes
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
A guy visits his psychiatrist, who tells him he's crazy. The guy replies, "I want a second opinion". The psychiatrist replies, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
The Virgin of Ten Marriages
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
- "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
- Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
- Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
- Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
- Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
- Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
- Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
- Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
- Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
The Psychiatrist and the Saran Wrapped Man
Q: What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office?
A: I can clearly see "you're" nuts!