Profession Jokes - Psychiatrist Jokes
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
The Problem with Mental Testing
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.
They put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.
This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read: Catatonics and High Colonics.
This was also a no-go.
Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.
Thumbs down again. Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.
Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.
Loons and Moons - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it...
A guy visits his psychiatrist, who tells him he's crazy. The guy replies, "I want a second opinion". The psychiatrist replies, "Okay, you're ugly too!"