Profession Jokes - Engineer Jokes
The Virgin of Ten Marriages
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
- "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
- Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
- Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
- Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
- Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
- Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
- Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
- Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
- Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
Building the Chunnel
As the UK and French governments began plans for the Chunnel (English Channel Tunnel), they realized they didn't have the ability to build it themselves, so they put the project out for bid. Three teams: a German team, a Japanese team, and an Irish team submitted proposals and were asked to present their proposals to the selection committee.
The German team led off the presentations, with their main selling point being their engineering prowess. The german presenter showed their latest generation tunnel boring machines with laser guided accuracy, impressing the committee. The german concluded his presentation saying, "For 2 billion Euros, Ve will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and one vear later we will meet in the middle vit and be less than 1 meter off!"
The Japanese had a tough act to follow, but they knew their process quality techniques and enhanced productivity were better. The Japanese presenter showed their latest tunnel boring machines with advanced radar, their acumen in statistical process control, then bowed and stated, "For 1.8 billion Euros, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and 9 months later, we will meet in the middle and be less than 1 centimeter off!"
The Irish team knew they were in trouble, but really believed in the work ethic of their people, so they decided to pitch their strengths. The Irishman looked the committee in the eyes as stated, "For 1 billion Euros and 40,000 kegs of Guinness, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, hic, and if we don't meet in the middle you'll get TWO tunnels for the price of ONE!"
Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50 meters and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100 meters. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fiber network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200 meters but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an even more advanced civilization, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.
Software Development Cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
The Engineer and the Bike
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."