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The best jokes and joke writers!

Building the Chunnel

As the UK and French governments began plans for the Chunnel (English Channel Tunnel), they realized they didn't have the ability to build it themselves, so they put the project out for bid.  Three teams: a German team, a Japanese team, and an Irish team submitted proposals and were asked to present their proposals to the selection committee.

The German team led off the presentations, with their main selling point being their engineering prowess.  The german presenter showed their latest generation tunnel boring machines with laser guided accuracy, impressing the committee.  The german concluded his presentation saying, "For  2 billion Euros, Ve will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and one vear later we will meet in the middle vit and be less than 1 meter off!"

The Japanese had a tough act to follow, but they knew their process quality techniques and enhanced productivity were better.  The Japanese presenter showed their latest tunnel boring machines with advanced radar, their acumen in statistical process control, then bowed and stated, "For 1.8 billion Euros, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and 9 months later, we will meet in the middle and be less than 1 centimeter off!"

The Irish team knew they were in trouble, but really believed in the work ethic of their people, so they decided to pitch their strengths.  The Irishman looked the committee in the eyes as stated, "For 1 billion Euros and 40,000 kegs of Guinness, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, hic, and if we don't meet in the middle you'll get TWO tunnels for the price of ONE!"

The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

  • "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
  • Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
  • Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
  • Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
  • Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  • Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
  • Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
  • Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
  • Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

Software Development Cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

You Might Be an Engineer if

  • The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (nothing wrong with this one).
  • At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
  • Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your computer is a moral dilemma.
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
  • In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
  • The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
  • You are always late to meetings.
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
  • You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
  • You bought your wife a new CD ROM reader for her birthday.
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
  • You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
  • You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
  • You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
  • You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
  • You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
  • You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
  • You know what http:// stands for.
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
  • You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
  • You see a good design and still have to change it.
  • You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
  • You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
  • You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
  • You window shop at Radio Shack.
  • You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
  • Your checkbook always balances.
  • Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
    • Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
  • You've already calculated how much you make per second.
  • You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Incredible Dogs

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.