Too Much Whiskey

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your house burnt down!" So he runs outside but then he thinks, "I don't have a house." So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!" And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, "I don't have a dad." So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, "My name's not Bill."

Martin Asshole

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked "Can I help you sir?" Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name." "What is your current name?" asked the clerk. "Martin Asshole," replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?" "Tim."

Dirtiest Thing On Television

Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?
A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."