True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
• On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
• At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
• On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"

Puzzling Question

I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years.
Q: What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond?
A: My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.

Blonde, Rope and Handcuffs

A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope. A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for. The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture."