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The best jokes and joke writers!

Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup!

Misunderstood

My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."

Helpful Neighbor

A man is in court. The Judges says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "...and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor." The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments." The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"

NEWS FLASH: Terrorists...

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Detroit, MI. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:

1: Bin Sleepin

2: Bin Drinkin

3: Bin Fightin

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood. Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available. 

Hostage Situation

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."