A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap. A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!"
Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."
No Nine Lives
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." She dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends. Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
A: Rotisserie chicken.