U.S. State Jokes - California Jokes
Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?
And a lot of produce too.
San Francisco Jokes
You Know You Live In San Francisco When ...
- Your co-worker tells you s/he have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
- When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak.
- You think of danger.
- You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
- You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
- You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
- A really great parking space can move you to tears.
- You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
- Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
- You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
- You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
- A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
- You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
- You keep a list of companies to boycott.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
The odds of winning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.
True Stupid Stories
Really Stupid People
- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
- A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
- A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
- Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
- A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
You Know You're From California When...
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
You were born somewhere else
You know how to eat an artichoke
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
Your car has bulletproof windows
Left is right and right is wrong
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
Your mouse has only one ball
If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it
You drive to your neighborhood block party
Your family tree contains "significant others"
Your dog has its own psychiatrist
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
More than clothes come out of the closets
"The Dead" are best live
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
Smoking in your office is not optional
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach
When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
You consult your horoscope before planning your day
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery