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Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."

Seattle and Cher

Q: What do Seattle and Cher have in common?

A: Neither of them are fucking Sonny.

Washington Crazy Law

  • It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
  • All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle. 
  • People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
  • You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.
  • All lollipops are banned.
  • You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks.
  • The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.
  • It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.
  • You are not allowed to breast feed in public.
  • When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.
  • A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."
  • Auburn - Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
  • Bremerton - You may not shuck peanuts on the street.
  • Everett - It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.
  • Lynden - Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.
  • Seattle - You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.
  • Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
  • No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.
  • It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.
  • Spokane - TV's may not be bought on Sundays.
  • Waldron Island - No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. - San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)
  • Wilbur - You may not ride an ugly horse. 

We Have Plenty of Those

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas." The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali." The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock. "Relax, kids," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."