U.S. State Jokes - California Jokes

How to identify where a driver is from...

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas (city, male)

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas (country male)

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas (female)

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" .... also seen a lot in Parksville!!!

Q: What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

A: U.C.L.A.

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles. The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said. "Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else." "Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America." "Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?" "I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Light delivery truck."

You Know You Live In San Francisco When ...

• Your co-worker tells you s/he have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
• When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak.
• You think of danger.
• You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
• You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
• Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
• You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
• You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
• A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
• You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist. 
• You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"