U.S. State Jokes - California Jokes
We Have Plenty of Those
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas." The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali." The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock. "Relax, kids," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears..."...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
Californians Screw in Light Bulb
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
New LA Airport
Q: If they build a new airport in LA, what will they call the old one?
A U.S. Navy Destroyer stopped four Mexicans in a rowboat heading toward the coast of California. The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, " We're invading California to reclaim the territory taken by the U.S. during the 1800's." The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 2.3 million are already there!"
Nobody on the destroyer laughed.