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The best jokes and joke writers!

Californian Bulb

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.

Blatant Racial Discrimination

In a kindergarten in California, a teacher asks three children what they do after recess. The teacher asks Sally what she did at recess. Sally said she played in the sandbox. The teacher says "If you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie." Sally spells sand and gets her cookie. The teacher then asks Tim what he did during recess. He said he played in the sandbox with Sally. The teacher says "If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie." He spells box and gets his cookie. The teacher then asks Mohammad what he did at recess. He said he tried to play with Sally and Tim in the sandbox, but they threw stones at him. The teacher says, "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me. Okay, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the blackboard I'll give you a cookie."

KISS

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases. The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area. The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and tries to attack him and his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor spent 50 cents on a .380-caliber, hollow-point cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Alien Laws

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Californian. "It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Walmart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Californian. "Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

Call from Hell

Three guys die and go to hell.  One is from Texas, one from Florida and one from California. The devil tells them that they each get one phone call back to earth but it may be very expensive. The Texan calls his pastor in Dallas and speaks with him for 15 minutes. The devil tells him it will cost three million dollars. The Texan promptly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he's back in Texas. The guy from Florida takes the phone and calls his Minister, speaks for 30 minutes and the devil tells him the cost is six million dollars. The Floridian quickly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he is back in Florida. Finally, the guy from California gets his turn with the phone and calls a social worker.  He talks for nearly 4 hours and when finished the devil says it will cost him just four dollars.  The guy from California smirks at the great deal he got but can't help asking why.  The devil said that Governor Newsom's liberal policies made California a living hell, so the call was local.