Genie Jokes

So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof appears the genie! The genie goes to the black guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" The black guy goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, "What's your one wish?" The Mexican goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" and the white guy asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?" The genie replies, "Yes." So the white guy goes, "Then I'll have a Coke."

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit."

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!" Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium... Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask." "Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal. Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?” “For how much?” The businessman asks. “Ten Thousand dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“Ten Thousand dollars?" The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him. “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!” “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly.

“Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out! “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.”

The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?”

“I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a check, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind.

After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears. “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman.

“I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly. The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly:

“M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?" The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, that's impossible, try another wish," the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman, "then I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on." The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says, "Show me that fucking map again."