How Does A Man Keep His Youth?

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Go Fly a Kite

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." Ralph replies "Make up your damn mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

Hillary Pregnant?

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. She just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!  How could you??!!!  I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"