If Men Truly Ruled The World

If Men TRULY Ruled the World:

• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
• The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
• Instead of a "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps."
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• Garbage would take itself out.
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, that's $10.00 off."
• People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
• Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
• Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
• Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
• It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
• When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
• Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Small Prick

True story: About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile.  My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50 year old lady with a strong German accent. At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown. With my gown raised, she uttered the words, "Okay, small prick," and proceeded with the injection. I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.